Hyacinth

MARCH 29, 2016 IN GENERAL, FLOWERS

“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”                                   Anais Nin

Overall, I am fortunate. I have good friends and nice friends. I have support and encouragement from people around me. Also around me, well . . .as I type this I’m looking at blue water under blue sky and know that this is a luxury.

I’m feeling the pain of a faith being tested. I’m pushing back the fear of the unknown, consciously forcing myself to look toward the faith side and turn my back on the fear. This has been a far more difficult winter than I imagined, with twists and turns—not all bad, but distracting. I feel like I’m sliding down a dusty slope, trying to reverse the momentum or at least gain enough traction to delay the descent.

And now it is spring, and the progress I’d expected to make over the winter has not materialized. Maybe my expectations were too great and my faith in my choices too secure. Or maybe I’ve been too IN-secure to let myself truly believe.

I am simultaneously restless and paralyzed. I want to pace back and forth and circle through the rooms, and yet the movement has no force or destination. I want to sit quietly and calm my mind.

I saw the hyacinth at the grocery store a couple of weeks ago, its flowers still closed. Like narcissus at Christmas, hyacinths at Easter have a heady fragrance that soothes and excites—spring is here. Today the buds have all opened, and the stems are bent from the weight of the full blooms. The fragrance is not as strong now that the flower has matured. It is fulfilling its purpose: to grow, to blossom, to beautify, to create happiness, to take us out of winter and give us spring.

What is my purpose, and is this my spring?